How to tan my god-awful pale skin?

I really, really hate my pale skin. I don't have anything against super white skin, but my skin color is almost PAPER WHITE. I live in the south, and I still have yet to see someone who is as pale as me. I'm judged at school and people think I'm creepy-looking and some barely even talk to me :( So time to tan! I have really low confidence and I refuse to wear shorts and skirts, even though it is 80 degrees outside. Is there any way to tan pale skin? Please no fake or spray tans; I've tried them before, and each time I turned out like an Oompa Loompa or like the Jersey Shore cast. I've heard of applying or taking Emu Oil capsules, since they make your melanocytes produce more melanin, and I'm thinking about putting on SPF15 and laying out in the sun. Will that work? IDEAS ARE WELCOME!